Players of the Old Republic
by Inconspicuous Acuity
Summary: A little collection of attempts at humor around playing KotOR.
1. Players of the Old Republic

**Disclaimer:**_ I don't own KotOR. KotOR owns me. :D  
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**Author's Note:** _This is just a silly bit of humor I wrote on a sudden bit of 'revelation'. I might add more to it later, if I get any more 'brilliant' ideas, but for now it's just a one-shot. EDIT: More stuff has been added.  
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**Players of the Old Republic**

**Teen Who Hasn't Yet Finished KotOR 1:** Why am I special enough to get trained as a Jedi, though I'm about 20 years older than Anakin? (4000 years before he was born, but that's not the point.)

**Teen's Friend, Who Finished KotOR 1 Ages Ago:** (sarcastic) I dunno. Maybe because you are the amnesiac Dark Lord of--

**Darth Malak:** (pops out of screen, as lame as the chick in _The Ring_) Shut up! _I'm_ supposed to tell him that. (kills second teen with Force Life Drain and moves the body to its own computer, making it look like he starved to death, then Mind Tricks first teen into forgetting everything)

**Teen Who Hasn't Yet Finished KotOR 1:** (continues to play gleefully and obliviously) Oooh, this game rocks!

**Darth Malak:** (from background) Yeah, and the things I do for it... (sigh)

**Teen's Friend, Who Finished KotOR 1 Ages Ago:** (body is found in front of computer, with a significant loss of weight and general aspect modifications; cause of death: starvation)

**Dead Teen's Mother:** I told you he played way too many video games!

**Dead Teen's Father:** And his teachers said he hadn't been doing his homework!

**The Media:** (finds out) Awesome! Let's go blame video games for every single evil in the world!


	2. On Force Users and Grenades

**On Force Users and Grenades**

**Player's Question:**

What does a Force user do when handed a grenade about to explode?

**Variety of Answers:**

Jedi Weapon Master: Valiantly attempts to take it as far away from everyone else as possible. Most likely forgets own self is in equation and gets fried.

Jedi Master: Uses the Force to try and persuade the grenade not to blow up. Also gets fried, for reasons easy to imagine.

Jedi Watchman: Possibly cannot decide between one of the two variants above and gets fried for taking too long. In case of a decision, subject blows up in one of the two ways we've already described.

Sith Marauder: Throws it to the nearest Jedi Master to deal with, then runs away.

Sith Lord: Persuades the nearest Jedi Weapon Master to take it, then grabs popcorn and watches show.

Sith Assassin: Drops grenade in the middle of a group of innocent civilians, then equips stealth field generator and sneaks away, with the illusion that grenades don't fry what they can't see. Jedi Weapon Master picks up the grenade.

**Lesson Learned:**

You'll end up on the dark side anyway, either as Sith or scorched and blackened by a grenade.


	3. Male Exile

**Disclaimer:** This is purely a joke. No offense intended to any real-life categories.

**Male Exile**

Signs that your male Exile is gay:

- He wants to build the first pink lightsaber in history.

- The first thing he asked Atris was where she got the awesome hair dye.

- Atris hates him even more because he's prettier.

- He asked Atton to wear the skimpy outfit and dance for Vogga.

- When Atton refused, the Exile wore it himself.

- He wishes the Disciple would join him.

- He stole the Handmaiden's robes.

- He actually wears those robes whenever on Dantooine, in the hope Disciple _will_ join.

- He managed to make Mandalore reconsider his respect for Jedi. (Oh boy, Revan, you have some explaining to do.)

- Not only did he install the pacifist package on HK-47, but he also made sure it can never be uninstalled again.

- He keeps pictures of male Revan in his secret journal. (Note: Must kill Bastila.)

- He took over Atton's female-Exile-cutscene and asked Bao-Dur if he thought they had a chance.

- He never knew how many cutscenes you got from all the times Kreia banged her head against the wall, wondering what she did _that_ wrong.

- He told Sion he knows this one great plastic surgeon... (Sion: -death-)

- He had the mass shadow generator reprogrammed in such a way that it grows flowers on Malachor.


End file.
